Oh boy. Tumblr seems to be my last resort…well, here goes nothing.
These past few months haven’t been the same. When things started to feel normal or better, life does a 360. I don’t know how or when I’ll be able to deal with this. Months have past, and the relationship that I have is also passing by. You would think that being a little over a year and a half you’d want to work it out. But it’s at a point that there is no way.
This relationship has been damaged. Once I opened my heart to a man I ‘loved’ I was betrayed. By the past, and by work. Trust is huge in a relationship, but with all that has happened it’s hard to give. Before the relationship got worse, we were so close. Talking about being each others one and only, forever, kids, living together, marriage. Perfect almost. Then, it took 2 different nights to ruin it all. Turns out I wasn’t his one and only.
Apologies can only go so far. I don’t know what he says is all true. Even when he swears, or cries, or begs. Because those were the exact things that he did to make me believe him to begin with. The man I depended on with my happiness. The worse mistake possible…
Promises aren’t really promises, I love you doesn’t really mean I love you, and…forever doesnt mean forever. In this relationship that is. Never in my life have I had to deal with my significant others past. He lives with it. It follows him.
I’m tired of people pointing who is who out, I’m tired of being lied to, I’m tired of holding it together, I’m tired of trying, I’m tired of being on guard, I’m tired of worrying, and I’m tired of being tired. I feel like we run in circles. We’ll make great progress, but the past, his or me not being able to move on gets in the way.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like of we never met. I sometimes wish we didn’t meet. Or just had that summer fling. If I knew what this relationship came out to, I wouldve passed the opportunity. He’s done so much good though. Bringing faith back to myself, feeling like I could love again, makes me feel like I could make it. But this is also the man that brought down my confidence, not being able to trust, and reminding me what it feels like to be cheated on, betrayed, hurt, and what disloyalty looks like.
Why am I still in this relationship? I love him. I love a man that hurts me. I give myself hope that one day, he’ll appreciate all that I am and all that I do. And man that introduces me as his girlfriend and not just blow me off, a man that will let the thirsty girls know that he’s taken, a man that leaves whats in the past behind, a man that will defend me and not go against me, a man that’ll make me feel loved and safe, a man that’ll be honest and keep his promises, a man that’ll love me for me, a man that loves my flaws…the list goes on.
There is just so much empty space that’ll never be filled in this relationship. I have the choice now of wanting to deal with it or leave it…
Semi Transparent Eye (eye changes to colour of your blog)
Made by Totally Transparent
WHAT THE FUCK
dammit, background of my blog is just white :( but such a cool idea!